Who do you Want To Be?

Well… that’s a loaded question, isn’t it? A bit heavy for a simple weekday blog post. Yet, I can’t seem to shake myself of this reverberating question. Let’s start from the beginning and see how I got to this question.

Live Now: What ACT and Atomic Habits Taught Me

During the BACC 22nd Annual Conference, Jennifer Griggs, a psychotherapist and cancer coach, discussed ACT: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. ACT is based on the idea that your thoughts and emotions are normal. They happen to everyone. The goal isn’t to erase them, but to reframe them — “a form of psychotherapy that uses acceptance and mindfulness strategies to help people commit to actions aligned with their values.”

On the same day, I listened to Atomic Habits by James Clear, and it reinforced my new lease on life: Me.

The words kept screaming in my head. Live now. Live fully. Live Truly. In college I remember making a poster for my dorm room “Dont Just Exist, Live.” It later became my first instagram bio. I was so used to the quote that I felt I was living it. I was… mostly, but not enough. I have recently been reminded that I can do more.

(Hit up the app Libby for this five hour read!)

Vital Takeaways

Stop turning stressful moments into self-deprivation.
You forgot your keys, missed a turn, failed a test — so what? That doesn’t define you. It’s something that happened, not who you are.

Live in the present.
Creating a future in your mind that hasn’t happened yet doesn’t protect you. It just clouds your purpose. Stop living in the future and the past.

Fight for what you want.

If you don’t want something badly enough — and if it doesn’t come naturally to who you are — it won’t just happen. You need to, either, accept it isn’t right for you, or commit to making it happen.

Live now.

Cancer is just one part of my story, yes predicting the future is based partially in truth - I have a treatable-for-now cancer, and there will come a time when it isnt. But dwelling on when, how, or where doesn’t need to take up space in my mind.

How can I thrive in the now?

I am on a journey to determine who my authentic self is and the values that represent her. To get there, I am prioritizing the habits that support her and letting go of those that dont. Living within my control, releasing those things I cant control and those I dont need to control. Checking in frequently to make sure I am existing the way I want to be.

How Im getting there.

The Sleep Schedules Saga - What are useful habits, and what aren’t.

My sister and I have frequent diatribes about our sleep patterns. We have frequent diatribes about everything, frankly.

I’m an early riser. I have been for years. Yes, I sometimes sleep later, but the vast majority of my life I’m up before 7 AM. Thank you, thank you — I know, very impressive - It’s not.

If you’re the type who brags about being an early riser, buckle up. Your ego is in for a wild ride.
If you’ve always struggled with early mornings and felt judged by those who thrive at sunrise, settle in — you’re about to get a warm hug.

I naturally go to bed early. The sun sets, my brain yawns, and I’m done. Daylight savings time is a joke when I’m fed and bedded by 5:30.

I am the epitome of the early bird special: dinner at 4:30, bed by 8.

My sister? A complete night owl.
She relishes the quiet after everyone goes to bed; I relish the quiet before everyone wakes. Neither of us are living wrongly. Neither of us are working more or less. I work earlier; she works later.

Most importantly, neither of us need to change our sleep patterns. My sister has always expressed a hope to wake up early and do more. Do more what? She has a career, two kids, multiple degrees, certificates, there’s food on the table, fuel in that car and the house is temperature controlled. That is more than most. Her life is not hindered by the hour that she wakes up.

But society loves to say we all should wake early, hit the gym, pack a healthy lunch, brew artisan coffee, eat a nutritious breakfast, do the dishes, make the bed, shower, blow-dry, full makeup, cute outfit…
Are you tired yet? I’m exhausted!

The time you wake does not depict how well you function, it is a societal pressure. The time you wake doesnt deter you from who you are if it supports the life you want. Opposed to trying to rewrite yourself and adapt to social “norms”, look inward and see how you can better adapt your life to fit you.

What does that look like? Ask yourself, does the habit align with your goals? If so, acknowledge it and move on. If not? Put your energy there. Not because I think I should, but because I want to. Apply this to more than just your sleep habits, evaluate all your habits.

Living Within My Control

I can control my actions and reactions.

I can choose habits that align with my values.

I can release habits that are unnecessary.

I am letting go of the things I can’t control.

What my cancer will and won’t do.

What others think of me.

Traffic.

Things I dont need to control.

How my spouse spends his time.

Whether we miss a flight

Strict vacation schedules

An example: I leave late to get to the airport. I’m stressed on the shuttle, rushing through the terminal. Within that scenario there are things I can control, things I can't and things I dont need to.

Things I can control: The time I leave. My reactions. The pressure I put on me.

Things I cant control: Traffic, shuttle delays, bad drivers

Things I dont need to control: If we are going to miss our flight or not.

If I didn’t worry, didn’t stress, didn’t rush, what is the worst that will happen? We miss my flight.

If I try to control it what is the worst that can happen? I could speed and get in an accident, I could fight with my spouse. I could run through the airport trip and fall and break a leg - ok, drastic, but you get the point.

To me stressing, rushing, worrying, fighting, tension are all much worse than the consequences.

Now I am asking myself: which actions align with my core values? If I am a mindful, thoughtful, caring, listener - what will my day look like? How are my core values guiding me?

Who Am I, Really?

Jennifer asks this on a micro level:
If you think you’re nice, how do you show it?
If you think you’re thoughtful, where does it appear in your week?

James asks this on a macro level:
He does biannual integrity reviews — personally and professionally.
Do his actions align with his mission?

Lately I’ve been inundated with ideas about “finding your true self.” It is funny how you get an idea and you start seeing it everywhere. Hearing from both Jennifer and James on the same day was eye opening - it was like a sign.

Admittedly, I base a lot of my decisions on signs (because I am a dreamer, we’ll get to why that matters).  If something is too obvious to ignore, I probably shouldn’t. If it feels good I am going to follow it. If it lights my fire, I’m already gone. And this concept of authenticity is something I won’t ignore.

I want to be able to look in the mirror and say “Good job! All of your actions were direct representations of your core values.” You treated people the way you set out to, you represented yourself and your morals. You made it to your flight on time, you didn’t have an argurment and everyone feels very comfortable.

For years I criticized myself:
“You’re not committed.”
“You don’t have follow-through.”

But to Jennifer and James’s point — and in my words —
GET OVER YOURSELF.

Stop berating yourself unnecessarily.
You are not the negative things you tell yourself.
You’re blocking yourself from where you want to be.

I am committed.
I do follow through.
I am a dreamer.
And, I want more, frankly, I want it all.

And that’s where I am: I want to spend the rest of my days being me. I mean come on, I am my favorite topic.

Quite a journey ahead…but I’ll have a little help.

How Ten Year Old Me is Getting Me There.

When I was ten, I wanted to be a writer. She wanted to be a lot of things, honestly.
I let myself — and academic difficulties — get in the way of her dreams. I chased passions, no one can say I didn’t. I was a firefighter, I wrestled turtles, I owned a business, I was the Gill of All Trades. But they were love affairs, summer romances. They felt good but never aligned with my whole self.

There are few tasks I haven’t excelled at once I commit. I need to remember that. But excelling and enjoying are not the same.

I once told a supervisor, “I love my job, but mostly because there isn’t anything else I’d rather do right now. I’d prefer not to work at all, who wouldn’t?”
He said, “I know a lot of people who would like to take your place.”
Okay… well this is an entry-level position. I thought the motto was be 18 and have a pulse. Not sure why they aren’t here.

James verbalized this feeling for me:
Your career should fuel you. If you don’t love it, experiment while benefiting from the stability, then evaluate to ensure it is right. If you love it, exploit it. Either way, you grow.

Eventually, I realized I didn’t belong at that job — or honestly, at any job I’ve had. I was capable, of course (it’s me), but I was giving companies more than I got back.

I’m not doing that anymore. I don’t just want a paycheck. I’ve always dove headfirst into things, trusting I’d figure it out later. Getting lost in the experiment and rarely evaluating. I have been fortunate thus far to always find my way back.

And I’m doing that again — coming back to myself. I have now resolved to live for my inner child. She is the piece that has been missing, her dreams. Each job only served part of me, not the whole. My hobbies — pottery, writing, reading, gardening — have recently reignited me. They are a reminder that I am a whole person. My life needs to provide space for all of me.

Im living like Thomas Edison: I may not know how to make a light bulb, but I know how not to.
I may not know exactly where I want to be, but I know where I don’t.

To ten-year-old Gillian:
Look at me. I’m writing. That’s all it takes. Put words on paper and poof — I’m a writer.

I am a writer.
I am a dreamer.
I am passionate.
I am tenacious.

Start Before You’re Ready

James says we only see people when they’re succeeding. We don’t see the hours of grueling work behind it.

When I consider starting something new, I think:
“I can’t do that. What if I freeze? What if it’s stupid? What if I fail?”

I need to free myself of those thoughts, think of the now, not of what might be. Remember what Jennifer said: stop living in a future you haven’t lived yet.

When I think “I can’t,” it’s because I’m comparing myself to people who already started. No one begins a podcast and wings it (if you do, let me live in ignorant bliss). They prepare. Things take time — planning, curating, evaluating — but you should start anyway.

People can laugh or judge.
What does it matter?
It’s not about them, it’s about YOU.

Who Do You Want to Be?

Think about who you are.
Who you want to be.
What you want to start doing.

Why not start now?

That’s where I’ll be — starting now. Figuring out who I am.
I don’t know her entirely yet, but I can’t wait to live her life.

Let’s do it together.